I Love Someone Suffering From Addiction. How Can I Help Them?

As cliché as it sounds, the best way to help your loved one is to take care of yourself first. I know this may seem impossible, but I assure you it isn’t.

Addiction is a family disease, meaning everyone is affected by it. And because addiction is a progressive disease, the family’s response to it progresses too. Can you identify where you are in the progression?

The progression of addiction

1. Preoccupation: The substance user is preoccupied by using. All thoughts are focused on obtaining the substance, the money needed for it, and how long they will be able to keep using. At this stage the person is very defensive and denies having any problem at all.
2. Increased tolerance: The user needs more of the substance to achieve the same effect. They are beginning to realize they may have a problem but try to hide it. They lie about their use, about why they need money, and to their employer about absences.
3. Loss of control: The user no longer has the ability to “look” normal and has stopped trying. Their behavior is erratic and unpredictable under the influence, and they can’t control their emotions. They avoid family and friends, begin to miss work and back out of commitments.
4. Craving: The person has a severe physical or psychological craving to keep using. They need to use to keep from getting sick, and will go to any extreme to obtain the substance. They are no longer having fun.
5. Compulsive behavior: The person puts themselves and others in high-risk situations to continue using. They go against their own moral compass and behave in ways they never would sober, such as stealing from employers or family, or putting their children at risk.
6. Health problems: Physical problems related to use escalate, such as liver damage, pancreatitis and more frequent injuries. Overdoses or alcohol poisoning become more frequent as tolerance reverses.

The progression of the family’s response

1. Preoccupation: You’re preoccupied with the substance user: what they are doing, where and how they are getting their substance, and why they are doing this. You try to get answers but are met with defensiveness and anger. Often the person blames you and the family for their use.
2. Increased tolerance: Denial sets in as you become more tolerant of the user’s behavior. The need to protect your loved one from negative consequences leads to enabling, such as driving them to get their substance, getting it for them so they don’t drive, or calling in sick to work for them.
3. Loss of control: The family’s denial breaks with the realization of how serious the addiction is. You may feel a loss of emotional control, live in constant fear and/or get angry at the drop of a pin. The family feels lost and confused. The fear of losing your loved one keeps you from setting boundaries, which sets you up to be taken advantage of.
4. Craving: The family feels a desperate desire for the addicted person to get help. You beg, bargain, threaten and make promises to convince them. The realization that life is out of control sets in, and the family begins to seek outside help.
5. Compulsive behaviors: Family members behave in compulsive ways, such as playing detective when you know your loved one is lying, following them or driving around looking for them when they don’t answer calls and texts, or secretly checking their phone while they sleep.
6. Health problems: Family members can also have stress-related health issues, such as headaches, stomach problems, high blood pressure, lack of sleep and poor eating habits, from being so focused on the substance user.

You can interrupt your own progression

It is important to know you can interrupt your own progression at any stage, whether or not your loved one is ready to get better. Unfortunately, people in active addiction don’t usually get sober until the consequences become uncomfortable. What actually helps someone get sober is often different from what the family thinks will help, and it often goes against natural instincts.

It is normal to feel unprepared and lost when dealing with addiction. When the family takes care of themselves and learns where the boundaries are, they are helping their loved one. Remember, there’s a reason flight attendants tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first!

You don’t have to figure this out on your own. Learn about family and couples counseling.